"Life is Messy"

by Julianna Rowe:

Life is Messy is a book I just listened to by Mathew Kelly.  In fact I listened to it twice. "This book is about putting our lives back together, and allowing ourselves to be put back together, when life doesn't turn out as we expected it to.  This book is a loose collection of about 78 journal entries, written by the author mostly during very difficult and depressing times in his life." (I took that from online description)

My life has been long I believe due to an inability to retain, co-dependency, some bad genes, and too much faith.  You can have too much faith and I DID.  There is an old adage that states "You can be so Godly your no Earthly good."  That was me!  Everything was "WWJD?"  What would Jesus do?   So I did what I thought was pure unconditional love.  Boy did I get hit with a resounding two by four.  Hell, even Jesus turned over the tables in the temple.  But not me, nope, my soul was deep in the mud as my eyes below tell the story without any words.  Those were the eyes of a sad woman near the ending of a disabling situation. I have journals like Mathew Kelly writes about.  Journals of words trying to save myself from the quicksand I was in.   I wasn't pulling a cart with no horse, I was pushing it from behind.  I was trying to ride a dead horse.  Image that?  A horse laying on the ground weighing near a ton and I'm trying to get my leg under it to straddle it and what?  That was going no where.  A mental delusional attempt to keep riding a bicycle with no tires.  I have always been tenacious obviously in all areas unable to decipher when to and when not to until it nearly killed me.  What causes someone to hang on to a limp branch with rushing water below when there is a reachable escape?  Who does that?

 If you cover my left eye you will notice fear in the right eye.  In all three photos . The right eye shows more hope but I was seeing life dominantly from the right.  The eyes are the window to the soul/heart. So, I had fear and hope.  That made for quite the messy life.  You can do this little trick with a photo of yourself. One eye always shows more contentment than the other.

                                                             October 24, 2020  In it. 

I wallowed in my messy life for six months and then some.  I tried not to.  I blamed myself, I examined myself, I sat at the cemetery hoping to hear my sweet Grandma Tillie or even a hopeful woof from one of my deceased pets.  Cant say I didn't hear anything because I did.  I was told to act as though I were skating on smooth ice.  That I was capable of doing it with one leg outstretched behind me.  Of course that was to be a mental parable.  I was also told to float like the ducks do in water.  Peacefully float until such time when I can run again. Laugh again. Dance again.  And so I did.  Day after day. Hour by hour.

 

                                                                  March 24, 2021 = Six Months OUT

And then it started to happen.  I started to smile again.  I stopped having nightmares and started slowly going out and dancing with a friend.  I still feel the loss but I am not sure what it is.  Maybe its just simply life throws us shit and we have to shovel it up and away and move on.  (Tell your brain and your heart to get it together!)  The longer you linger the less time you have left to live.  And I am on the rear end of that story.  My latest question for life is:  What am I here for? 

  

October  24th, 2021 =   Eleven Months OUT

My goal now is to listen:   I must find out what am I here for because I am real tired of dead horses and heavy carts.  Lesson learned.  I deserve to have outlived my messy life and see what happens next.  I'm B - A - C - K!  Saddle up and ride with me.