Dating App. Profile:

 😂

My profile for the new dating app. (NOT)

I am self-sufficient, have my own business inherited from Great Gma, and Gma.  I clean other people’s toilets.

I only owe $15,036.92 cents on my five-year-old car for six more years.  

I have a wonderful family for the most part.  My son and his fiancé just moved back into my 1,000 sq. ft. apartment because they are homeless so the kitty litter is now in my bedroom. My oldest is in prison for various reasons.  My middle child has anxiety issues and lives far away, and my youngest lives close but has four children and a very busy life forty miles away.

Oh, and my mother lives close and is dying soon.  She left my crappy brother a minimum of a half a million dollars plus and me nothing. 

I come with nothing but my $525.00 social security monthly pay out.  I was married five months short of receiving the only father of my children’s SS.  Government rules you know?  The woman must stay for ten years no matter what to receive SS for putting up with “Big Dick” for 9 years and 7 months.  I didn’t get the memo saying “STAY FOR 4 MORE MONTHS!”

I haven’t dated but once in the past twenty-two years.  I kept that date for five and a half years.  I stopped it after learning I was being abused all that time.  At least my car has a new battery and tires. He bought me those before he left.

I have been married three times and it wasn’t my fault.

I am very intelligent and I am only twelve pounds overweight all in the middle. Obviously, I look like a tree. But I hide it well like I hide the big toe nail fungus.   My breasts are not huge so they don’t hang down too far. I have RLS so sometimes my thin legs jump half the night away.  I should try playing music maybe they would at the least jump to a beat.  

I am fairly healthy except I have cancer.  And all my lady parts and some random parts are sliding down the shoot and need a total take out and tie up.  Major they say. I only pee myself when I stand up, lay down, laugh, cough, or slightly move. Oh, and I have fungus in my two big toenails.  Shit.

My teeth are pretty good, most of the back ones are gone so no worries there.

My dog died so there are only two cats left who only peuck on the carpet once every couple days. 

I believe in God but I talk to the dead-on occasion when I visit cemeteries. Or if they wake me up in the middle of the night.

I am allergic to all milk products so going out for dinner is a challenge.

I can cook but not very well because I don’t like oil or spices.

I can only have sex standing up due to severe spinal stenosis L4 L5.   

I am terrified of water and motorcycles and airplanes so travel is questionable. 

I have a bit of ADD.  Adult attention deficit disorder.  I’m good except I interrupt on occasion.

I drink alcohol for I believe it to be the solution, not the problem.

I also have OCD.  I count.  I count steps I am going up, not down.  I count items going into the washing machine.  I must spray a cleaning solution 20 times. Sometimes I can make myself stop at 12 or 16.

And I have no Life Insurance. Actually, I barely have health insurance at all. A cheap plan.

I can sing well but due to a surgery in the past there is one note I miss every time. I can draw portraits.  I can write mystery novels and love stories. I can dance.  I can listen unless I must interrupt or I will forget my impending words.  And I can’t walk very far.  I am old. 

If you believe all that I will write more tomorrow.