Just in Case Someone Dies or Gets Married....by Diane Ogden

 Sooo.... I stopped in at Marshalls Dept. Store today to get some very expensive doggie treats cheap!  Instead I came home with these to die for (no not Jimmy Chew Chu) shoes.  I just had to have them.  They do not match the little black dress in my closet but they match the larger green one.  Hey, all I had to wear to a wedding or funeral were Merrell's.  You know those comfortable half shoe half something else from abroad.  Those Chinese are getting it all. I keep tellin folks they better start learnin' Chinese.  I mean it too. If you want to work for even $2 an hour after 2012 ya better learn it!  OK back to my shoe story.  As you can see in these pictures I had to do some serious acrobatics to get these self shoe foot portraits.  I had to lay on my sofa with my feet extended into the air while holding my summer robe tightly between my legs so it would stay in place and hide the knee highs stockings I put on to hide my mayonnaise legs!

 Then you will notice I tried to get cutsie and turn one shoe in like a teenager.  Well
listen, my dog had fun watching me carry on like she has never seen before as well as try to jump up on my tummy as I am mid acrobatically putting on this self showing. 

But come on, aren't these shoes the "bomb," as the kids say. 
I have not told you the problem with them so allow me.  I could walk fine in them until I put the nylons on.  At that point it was like walking on a bed of fish outta watta!  The new shoes went from sexy to slippery soupie somba.  I mean picture this 8 x 10 black and white glossy of mwah falling in the aisle at a funeral...or worse, a wedding.  At least at a funeral they are already all sad and down and wouldn't even notice old me slippin n slidin without a bikini. God forbid I might have to return these little angels. Maybe I should bronze em for a good memory. Or I could use a walker! OK I am LMAOing.  Laughing my ars off!  A walker...might as well rent a scooter and wear the athletic shoes. It's coming soon enough anyway for Pete sakes.  Who the H is Pete anyway?? I am keeping my princess shoes, putting sand paper inside and duct taping the bottoms.  That's what they do in Oklahoma and a few other places so I can too.  Anything to feel good about myself.  Nylons and duct tape.  Now all I need is for someone to die!  Or get married or maybe a baptism. OMG a date???  Holy duct tape, a date!  Sure why not use the shoes to impress.  If I fall down its just a plus.  "Help me, Help me!" LOL I didn't mean that. 

T