The Monster Upstairs by Diane Ogden

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This is what lives upstairs! This is what tromps around at 2:27 a.m. And all other hours of the day he is home. This is what causes me stress and sleepless nights and not the Seattle type. This is a man-boy in his early 20's living with a young lady and a small itty bitty "wiener" (dachshund) dog. How can anyone walk like a German tank? What causes the body inertia to hit the CARPETED floor to the point of waking me. Take into consideration I run a large cheap LOUD box fan next to my bed just for this reason....so he doesn't wake me. But he still wakes me.(and make note what it costs to run that large box fan every night) I have several solutions. First and worst is that I would like to be a man for an hour and beat the tar out of him. Yes beat him up. That is the level of "Tank Rage" I am at. My mentor would calmly tell me to bake him some chocolate chip cookies along with a kind note....I DON'T FEEL KIND! I feel very tired and this is the second night this week. He is disturbing my peace so maybe I should call the Po-lice. Maybe I should follow his tromping with my broom handle on the ceiling. Humm that would solve it huh? Not! Rather start an all out war with the German Tank ill mannered man-boy who walks on carpet like a stubborn farmer. He could be my Grandson by age... no respect....I feel like Rodney Daingerfield, but alive and not laughing. He is robbing me of my peace and as a side thought, this isn't healthy. Any ideas? Rent a pit bull, or be one with lipstick..eewww....I wouldn't even want to pretend I was like S.P. (Sarah Palin) Enough of the sicko ideas. Back to reality. I shall have a cup of hot tea and a half sandwich and try to recall happier days. I could hire someone....nah!!! My son says we are all one in this world and I must be kind so kindness is returned....And I was raised not to believe in "an eye for an eye." If I do I'll probably lose a tooth...(get it?)So any way I look at this I lose.... Why should I lose because I am fighting fighting. I should fight for my peace... eyes and teeth and all.. Where's my sling shot....Goliath is not going to win. If I just shoot The German Tank in the foot it wont count right? That is not considered attempted anything is it? Actually it would be looked upon as though "I was a bad shot," hit the foot and not the head so he ain't dead and will just keep tromping until I come up with an amiable plan. Obviously I am delirious from sleep deprivation at it is now 4:51 a.m. I have been plotting since 2:27 a.m. Positive stuff huh? Yeh, this will enhance my life further, sure. Pretty soon I can turn on a.m church service which might, and I repeat might pull me back on the good track. Until tomorrow night when the man-boy German Tank has to pee at 2:30ish a.m. No I wont wear ear plugs.....I wouldn't be able to hear the fire alarm or any other burglars if I did. OCD? Anxiety? Ya think? Or just Tank overload...