Survival and Saying I'm Sorry" by Julianna Rowe
WHY SOME PEOPLE NEVER or can't SAY, "I'M SORRY"
Have you ever wondered why some people never say, "I'm sorry?" It sounds like such a simple question, but the answer rarely is. We tend to assume it's because they don't care, they're too proud, too stubborn, or simply too selfish to admit they were wrong. Sometimes that's true. But sometimes the answer is much sadder than that.
Some people have lived in survival mode for so long that their minds become focused on one thing and one thing only: "How do I get through today?" When your nervous system has spent years, or even decades, believing life is one emergency after another, your brain isn't asking, "How did my words affect someone else?" It's asking, "Am I safe? How do I survive this? What's the next problem headed my way?" That doesn't excuse hurtful behavior. It doesn't erase the damage done. But it can explain why some people don't stop long enough to realize they have wounded those around them.
On the other hand, there are people who have lived through terrible things and still manage to say, "I'm sorry." Why? Because somewhere along the way they learned to look back after the storm had passed. They didn't apologize while the house was on fire because they couldn't. They apologized after the flames were out, when they were finally able to see the ashes left behind.
I've learned there is a difference between surviving and reflecting. Survival keeps your eyes fixed on the road directly in front of you. Reflection allows you to turn around and see where you've been. Not everyone ever reaches that place. Some never leave survival long enough to discover reflection.
I've also noticed something else. There are people who apologize for everything. They apologize for typing too fast, for interrupting, for being late, for asking questions, or for taking up someone else's time. Then there are others who almost never apologize at all. One group worries constantly about how they affect other people or have inadequacy issues. The other group may never stop long enough to think about it. Neither extreme is particularly healthy, but they come from very different places.
The harder question isn't whether someone says, "I'm sorry." The harder question is whether they are capable of understanding what those words really mean. Because admitting you've hurt someone requires more than saying two words. It requires enough emotional safety to look honestly at yourself. It requires humility. It requires facing the possibility that while you were trying to survive, someone else was quietly carrying the weight of your choices.
I've met people who can say "I'm sorry" twenty times a day and never change a thing. Their apology becomes a habit instead of a realization. Then I've met others who say those words only once after years of silence, and you know, deep inside, they finally understand. Those are two very different apologies.
Maybe what most of us have been longing for all these years isn't simply an apology. Perhaps we've been waiting to hear someone finally say, "I see what my actions did to you." Those words carry understanding. They acknowledge another person's pain without making excuses. They don't erase the past, but they often begin healing in a way that "I'm sorry" alone never could.
Before we judge someone too quickly, it may be worth asking whether they are refusing to apologize...or whether they have spent so much of their lives surviving that they no longer know how. Sometimes the greatest tragedy isn't that a person won't say, "I'm sorry." It's that they never learned how to leave survival long enough to discover what those two words truly mean.
That doesn't mean we excuse hurtful behavior. It doesn't mean we allow people to continue hurting us because healthy boundaries and consequences still matter. But understanding another person's story doesn't require us to surrender our own. Compassion and wisdom can live in the same heart.
Life has taught me that some of the deepest regrets are never spoken aloud. Some people carry them to their graves because they never learned how to express them. Others spend years trying to make amends but cannot find the words. And a few, if they're fortunate, finally stop surviving long enough to turn around, look into another person's eyes, and say, "I see what I did. I understand now."
I believe that's one of the bravest moments a human being can experience.
Because the deepest apology isn't always, "I'm sorry."
Sometimes...it's finally understanding why someone else needed to hear it. Finally, I hope this reminds someone you know or love, without saying a word ...will find their way out of the trap of mere survival.
"Ususally," - The Happy News Lady 💛
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