https://youtu.be/ow5bPIeVTzU

The Horrors That Hide by Julianna Rowe (coming Soon)

Monday, October 14, 2024

Before it's Too Late by Julianna Rowe

 Before it’s Too Late

I dislike sitting alone with so much inside….

My brain wants to run but instead it hides.

So many pictures flash before my eyes,

My youth, my loves, the deceased past cries.

There’s a movie, a book, a photo needs sharing,

Yet I sit in silence, can’t catch my bearings.

They removed a body part that helped me function,

Gave me a pill that’s caused creative disfunction.

I tell “them,” my ears are ringing and I can’t sing anymore,

Be patient they say, but know it won’t be like before.

They order the bloodwork and it comes back normal,

Yet I continue to feel quite horrible.  

They took it out and threw it away,

My butterfly thyroid and now I must pay.

The cancer was a pin head if even that,

The Doc got paid $10,000 Stat!

Me, I was dumped and they rarely checked back.

It’s been two years since I wrote a book,

 On the Amazon Best Seller list is what those meds took!

I want to be me again before it’s too late,

Because there’s more to write, before I hit that Pearly Gate.

 

Saturday, July 27, 2024

PRISON: A Warehouse for Troubles Souls by Clutch Cargoe (2011)

 


I reside in a warehouse for troubled souls.  

My family is helping me reach out to others who may need my wisdom. A wisdom learned from the pain of living with angry, ill-mannered humans and from my own errors that brought me to this no win, no way out, unfriendly neighborhood.

If any of my writings help you out, I would be pleased to hear from you.






Wednesday, July 24, 2024

"From the shit-pit to the clear waters." By Clutch Cargoe (2011)

 Observing 101  



Even though I do not care for all the negative people in here I am forced to be around them.  So, in an attempt to try to cope and understand I have had to do some serious observing.  As I have said I believe in Karma because I have witnessed it in action.  For a long time, I went around saying I do not like the negative inmates.  I don't want them in my community, (prison term for clicks) I thought - eff them, I don't want those that won’t help themselves around me.  I also noticed I was being treated negatively and I couldn't figure that out.  Here I was trying to be a better human being and staying out of all trouble areas yet not much was changing for me.  I couldn't even get much help from my family on the outside.  Why?  Then it dawned on me.  Same as the early morning sun rising from the darkness. It was KARMA at its finest!!   I was getting what I was giving.  So....how to change this huh?

                                              A T T I T U D E!!

The saying goes, change your attitude and change your circumstances.  So, I tried it.  I started to view those in here I disliked differently.  Who am I to judge lest I be judged.  It is their life journey.  All I can do is offer positive input to negative situations and hopefully help them on their path from negative to positive.  Or as some say "from the shit-pit to the clear waters."

It does not hurt you or I to be nice to those we dislike.  Actually, it is a powerful Karma that you will get back what you put out.  And life circumstances will start to change for you.

                                   Make a decision and the Universe will honor it

Out for now....Clutch

Monday, July 22, 2024

A Peaceful Journey by Clutch Cargoe (My incarcerated son)

 A Peaceful Journey...

Greetings and salutations from inside.

Isn't worrying about the negativity of others a massive waste of time and energy?  That equates to passing judgment on them.  telling them that what they're doing is incorrect.  Hey, perhaps it's what they should do.  like be kind and acknowledge that they are free to feel, act, and think as they like.  Instead, even if you disagree, support.  Perhaps all it takes for someone else to reach their destination in life is a little encouragement.  This is what a kind deed is all about. Why?  because, despite your disagreement with their viewpoint, you are respecting the rights of others.  Give as you would like to receive because you want someone to do nice deeds for you.  It will make a complete circle back!

I have learned to respect and help even those I dislike or don't understand or even fear, with an understanding that it's their life journey and you have yours so to co-mingle and co-exist peacefully and also have kind deeds and respect returned, you must give it first.  If someone rejects it so what, move on in positive harmony.

Hope this has helped you.

Til' next time be well, be positive, and be open minded.            Clutch

 

Saturday, July 20, 2024

A Response to My Daughters Question...by Clutch Cargoe (2011)

 A Response to One of My Daughters.....



 Life is a learning curve,

None of us get it right all the time.

We all can use some guidance from time to time.

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Asking for help shows you want to grow, through learning by asking

When you ask for help it doesn't make you look bad,

It makes you look strong

For realizing and understanding you need assistance in certain areas.

Hope this helps,

Dad loves you

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Control Does Not Equal Power!! by Clutch Cargoe (Written by my son who is incarcerated )

 Control Does Not Equal Power!!!

 

Control Does Not Equal Power!!!

 

Greetings and well wishes once again.

When I was younger, I always tried to control the actions of others around me and let me point out to them how they could do things differently or how they did or are doing it wrong! I thought that by directing their actions I could get MY desired outcome thru them.  Of course that was without considering their personal rights.

Truth of the matter is I was not in control of my own life and emotions, thus I attempted to live through others by attempting to control how they thought and what they could and couldn't do.  It was not until later in life that I realized how unhealthy this was and is.

Everyone is free to feel, think, talk, and act however they like.  Even while you may provide them helpful suggestions and advice, it is ultimately up to them whether to take advantage of them!  And if they choose not to listen to you it is not a personal attack or disrespect towards you, rather it is them exercising their right to choose for themselves the direction of their own life. (path)  Whether you agree or not.  And if they do choose to do differently than you advised...... you should not put them down, speak ill of them, rather you should move on with your own life's decisions.  Sometimes this is doubly hard if you are in a relationship and this is a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.  That is when you tend to think the other party does not love you because they are not doing as you want when in truth maybe you don't love them for who they are. Or they may be reacting to your choices.  Either way, if you are trying to change and control them there is a strong possibility you are not in control of your own life.  Therefore, you may feel the need to direct and control the people around you so you can live thru them.

Here in prison, I see this daily in the majority of the people I am surrounded by which has caused me to take a good hard look at the situation and learn from it.  If this is happening in your life, I can only suggest you analyze the problems and attempt a rational solution without degrading or abusing any one's rights.  Sometimes you must let a loved one do as they are going to do without arguing over something that neither of you are going to come out the better from.

Hopefully this has helped .....   be well, be safe and have a nice day.

Until next time....Clutch out

Thursday, July 11, 2024

A Day on the Inside by Clutch Cargoe

 Inside - a Day - Inside


Greetings and welcome to yet another Clutch observation..... As the title suggests, this view is coming from inside a maximum-security prison!

To survive inside these walls, I have been forced to study people, their mannerisms, habits and traits.  So, I know how to deal within each individual or group safely.  Prison does not allow open rehabilitation. Inmates will attack you if they think you are doing the right thing.

Out there you have consequences and situations daily, but not on the same plain as inside.

In here it is a much different situation.  I am surrounded by society's worst!!  Most of whom were never taught any kind of manners, moral, consideration, respect, self-confidence, problem solving abilities and they severely lack communication skills.  They are angry at the world and blame everyone and everything else for their problems and situations because they do not know how to take responsibility.  Due to this mental state these inmates try to control others around them.

Since they do not have any of the above skills when confronted they do not understand what the next step is so they get angry and then they try to handle the situation with brute force.  (Fighting and threatening physical harm) It's all they know.  That said, one who wants no trouble must walk around on egg shells constantly so as not to offend any of the angry people locked up inside!  They are looking for any reason to confront you and try to prove they are better and stronger than you. I guess so that they feel they are somebody!! These prisoners attempt to manipulate those around them as a result of their mental state.

The people around me have a variety of personalities. The most of them are not good. As depressing as it may sound.  It's a pretty tense scenario here.  They say stress causes the body to age and I can attest to that.  It’s rough to walk around here wondering if some mental inmate will wig-out (freak out) on you if they perceive you glanced at them wrong.

Rewinding to the various types of characters that surround a prisoner.

Some inmates roam from one person to another talking, questioning, looking for any type of soap opera information they can twist around and use to instigate conflict so to watch it unfold.  They get a kick out of it.  There are stalkers of female guards.  There are habitual liars, thieves, rapists, murderers, child molesters, and women beaters and much much more all with different mental issues and views on each situation.  Some of their lives are so out of control they try to control the television and every show that comes on.  All because they do not know how or won’t take responsibility and start to rebuild their lives.

Conversely, some individuals do transform and undergo rehabilitation; but, they are unable to publicly do so since the "life-hating" prisoners in their vicinity will not have it.  That being said:  For those of us who truly want to change, like myself, who has been clean and sober, no trouble at all, for ten years, we have to be like chameleons while walking amongst the haters of life.

Those men talk only about more crimes they will commit in the future.  They talk about getting even.  I could write a book about what I have seen and heard. I guess I am in a way.

But let me add that there are some good changed people in here, and some innocent ones also.

For now Clutch out…..

Tuesday, July 9, 2024

What is Your Right? by Clutch Cargoe (2011)

 What is Your Right?

Greetings and welcome once again.  Today's Clutch observations regarding: "What are your rights?" Are your rights in conflict with what others consider right?  I have noticed that, both in here and out there. Everyone thinks and believes their way is the right way. I believe this is partly responsible for the conflicts we have with one another in society.  And in lockup also.  Mind you, this is only my point of view, which may be the    same as some of yours yet different from others. Use what you can use of my observations.

I have noticed, (observed) especially in prison and somewhat out there, from what I recall, that people attempt to get others to conform to their point of view because they believe it to be right.

People are all different; they have been raised differently and come from different genes as well as spiritual backgrounds.

I suggest what you believe may not be what others believe, and what you think is right may not be right for others and their circumstances or what their path in life may need.

What we need to realize is that everyone has a right to be right in what they believe to be right.

Okay, let’s break this down.  This is America, and we have a right to do, and think, and believe, and say, and have whatever opinion we so choose.  As long as these rights do not harm others.

So if I want to believe the earth is flat or aliens are our creators, I have that right to and be secure in my beliefs, and no one has the right to attack my beliefs based on the issue that my beliefs differ from yours.  What would you care if I believed differently than you?? Let me ask you this.  Would you want someone to tell you your religion is wrong and you should convert?  Of course, you wouldn't.  No one likes others telling them what they should or shouldn't do.  Yet we are quick to do this very thing because, basically, we have no respect for others’ rights and freedom and not enough self-respect for ourselves?!

How is this, you ask?  Simply put, if we respected and honored others rights, we would not get bent out of shape when we encountered others who were different from ourselves..... No matter the reason, we continued to try to change people to our belief system.  We don't have that right!  Each person must follow his or her own path.  Who are you or I to not allow the other this right?  To live their life as they see fit.  My best advice is to worry about your own path.  Strive to better yourself.  Trying to change others is like spinning your wheels on ice.  Where does this leave you?  I am not saying you should not help others if you are asked.  I am saying it would be good to know the difference between when and when not to.

Now the part of no self-respect or, rather, self-confidence.  Usually, people with a lack of self-respect and self-confidence are simply unhappy with their own lives.  These people attempt to guide and control others lives due to the fact that their own life feel beyond (out of) control; therefore, there the need to control someone else, which allows for a feeling of worthiness and importance. (Whether the control is through manipulation or even "poor me" syndrome,)  If this is a part of your life, there may be self-confidence issues that need to be addressed.

There is an old saying:  "If you don't love yourself, you cannot love another authentically.  Because if you are not good for yourself, how can you be good for someone else?

Looking at ourselves first is the key that leads us to be responsible and accountable for our actions and reactions, either through the use of words or physical means.

I had to go through this learning process the hard way, on my own.  And now I am trying to help others - all of you readers who may need assistance.  I cannot do it for you.  You have to do it for yourself.  All I can do is offer my opinions and advice.  I can only hope you will read all my writings and apply what is helpful to you on your own journey through your specific life situations.

to be continued..... 

Picture is one of my drawings.

Friday, July 5, 2024

ANGER is one letter short of (D)ANGER

 ANGER is one letter short of DANGER!

 


Greetings and hello again...Today I would like to talk about anger and the reflections I have about this from the inside of this maximum-security prison, and from my own life when I was younger.  Hopefully some of my insights and observations will help someone out there or someone you know with any difficulties they might be having in this area...

I touched on this topic in one of my last writings called, "The Power We Give Words."  So, let's start with me.  As a child I remember being angry with everyone and everything. The specifics are irrelevant, but to allow the reader a better understanding, everyone around me thought I should live life according to their beliefs. Family member against family member world tell me the other is no good and lies...

I went through years of not knowing the truth about anything in complete confusion.  Everyone was selfish to their own needs and wants and what they believed was right.  I see this today by and from the inmates I am surrounded by.  They think it’s their way or no way.  They are right and everyone else is wrong.  I think many parents do this with their children vs allowing the child to grow and have a mind of his or her own.

I became a very angry child because I couldn't get the answers that made sense and no one would let me be me. I learned quickly that negative attention was better than no attention!  I got to a place in life where I cared about nothing except drinking and getting high.  You see, misery loves company.

I went to jail and prison several times.  I got high in lockup and didn't care.  They made me do drug classes and anger management.  But there is no such thing as rehabilitation is you are not ready.  And I was in self-destruct mode.  Nothing anyone said or did would matter until I decided not to be angry anymore and to live life differently.  Unfortunately, that was not until I was wrongly convicted that I decided to change.

I had relationships with women and some girlfriends, but none worked out because we would try to control one another, and that never works.  I didn't love myself.  Hell, I didn't even like myself, so how could I be good for anyone else if I'm not good for myself.  That had to change and it eventually did.  When I received this current prison sentence I started a lot of self-analysis, watching, and listening  to others.  You can learn a lot that way.  I watched the actions of the ones I was surrounded by - SOCIETIES WORST!  Wow, I thought, I talked like that. Wow, I acted like that.  Wow, I was an ass-hole.  A self- centered one at that.

I learned you have two choices, and I tell others in here that. One is to admit you’re a piece of chit and that you really effed up and try to rebuild and make your word good again because without honor, trust, and worthiness, you are nothing.

Or you can become a braggart.  I did this, I did that, and I had x number of women.  You get a false high from the so-called attention inside from blowing yourself up. That happens on the inside and out there.  And then you start to believe your own lies. The hardest for most is the first option. To face the truth and take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.  This is what I did.  And then I decided not to be angry anymore.

Life is different and better for me now, even though I am locked up.  And all I had to do was stop being angry and stop blaming everyone else for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  The hard part is that now I must win it and be responsible. Before, I could just be made and make everything everyone else's problem or fault.

I'd like to give you an example of this before I move on:  This guy I know of here in the prison was making homemade wine.  He was punished by going to the hole. (Solitary) When he came out, he said to me, "Clutch, I never would have gone to solitary if so and so hadn't snitched!"

I said, "Are you serious?"

He said, "Yes!"

I proceeded to tell him he didn't go to the "hole" because someone told on him, he went because he told on himself.  He appeared to be confused, (imagine that) and reiterated it was the snitches fault. I said I disagreed.  Now he is becoming angry, which is a normal response from people who don't understand.  Anger and violence are a normal first defense. Then I asked him if he knew where he was at, and he responded with an affirmative. I asked if he was aware that 80% of the people in here will snitch on you, and he again responded with an affirmative.  So, I continued, considering we were getting somewhere.  My next comment was,  "So if you are aware that 80% are snitches, why did you tell most of that 80% that you were making wine and then you showed them your product? Now whose fault is it that you went to the hole?"  You told on yourself, and you need to take responsibility for your own actions.

I probably saved the rat from getting beat up that day, but more importantly, I believe he "got it" and not to take the easy way out every time.

Some of the "ones" here don't care so much for me because I am so brutally honest, and because the truth hurts and because they are faced with having to do the right thing or not.

So, when we are confronted with something we don't understand, don't

Oh, that's right, I forgot, to ask questions might be to admit to others, we are dumb....Obviously not having enough self-confidence causes this action and reaction.

My observation from my personal life and the people around me is that no one has been taught morals, principals, respect, understanding, politeness, and a whole host of other things.

Until next time…..Clutch

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Baseball Talk by Clutch Cargoe (son of Julianna Rowe)

 My Texas Friend Talks Baseball with Her Son.....


Kids do not learn from being continually told what to do. They do not find their path when someone else (parents included) imposes their beliefs on them 24/7. I lived with someone who had to have it their way always, (controlling) while I was growing up.

Children learn by being asked questions and shown the consequences of their decisions and actions. Sometimes they have negative results, sometimes positive. What and which do you think will stay with them depends on how each is presented.

My Texas friend and I were conversing by phone one day. She told me about her children, who are very into baseball and play every season. She told me of an incident when, after a game, she and her son got into the car, and her son said to her, "Mom, what did I do wrong in the game?" I would rather his self-confidence would have told him what he did right and therefore he wouldn't have been so immediately worried about what he did wrong. But then, that is how society works with these children. It should be viewed more as a game where we all make mistakes we can learn from! OK back to the boy's question to his mother: "How did I do?" My friend and I discussed an alternative answer for her to use. I suggested that when the boy asks questions, she asks him questions instead of giving him the answers. By giving him the answers, she is not allowing the child to grow and learn to make personal decisions on his own as he is relying on Mom's answer. And by Mom telling him what he did wrong, that takes all the responsibility off him for his actions or inactions.

Ask him what he thinks he did right or wrong. Get him to analyze his actions for the better or the worse. That gives him control to decide, learn from, and make adjustments, which will build his confidence. It doesn't matter if he thinks he did good or bad. What matters is that he is analyzing and discussing his actions from his perspective, which builds his confidence and teaches him how to navigate problems, versus Mom and Dad or whoever answering how it should or shouldn't be done, which turns out to be "the easy way out" for the boy who later in life cannot solve problems and may become angry because he has no self-confidence. I am certainly not saying he will be this way. This is only an example. I am also not saying this is the answer for everyone, but it could be a useful tool to help. Thank you for your time and for reading my thoughts.

Be safe. Be well. Be Happy, and communicate! Clutch out til' next time


Tuesday, July 2, 2024

Back Into Your Communities with Messed up Attitudes by Clutch Cargoe

 Back Into Your Communities with Messed up Attitudes...




This is actually an excerpt from the post, "My Way is Not Always the Right Way."

Many of the men in here (Maximum Security Prison) will ask and ask and ask relentlessly like a child until you give in and give them some sauce or something to eat.  It is easier to just give it to them so they go away instead of argue or fight over something that is yours.  Reason why? These guys will try to beat you up and take what you have if you don't give it to them.  Then if your honest and tell them they are acting like a child they get offended and claim you have disrespected them, try to fight you because they didn't get what they wanted. They demand respect but have no clue what respect is or how to give it to someone else.

There are those in here that know the difference but the majority doesn't, and they aren't learning it which means they will go back out into the communities with the same messed up attitudes.

Makes me want to go live way out in the country, back to basics.....eat good non-processed food from the land.

Old Doc Whittenbach by Clutch Cargoe (Son of Julianna Rowe)

 Old Doc Whittenbach     


No computers on the inside for typing or research.  Only approved emails.  That said, I am getting writer’s cramp making ready the material my family posts for me on this website.

I have been spending some time talking to my new doctor friend his name is Dr Whittenbach. He gives me medical advice as he specialized in internal medicine. He is a very knowledgeable person which is hard to come by in here. He speaks German, French and one other language I forgot.  I am trying to help him where I can.  I suspect he will die in here and he seems grateful to have a friend.  A rare thing inside these walls. I told him he could give me some info if anyone needed to be notified

should something happen to him. You see he was at hospital for over week last time and not allowed to call or e-mail anyone.  Prison officials didn't notify his family, so I said we would help out if possible.

I told him just because some of society's worst are here, it doesn't mean we all bad. There are some good guys here.  He said, "That's nice to know, thank you."  Now that is a word not heard but a couple times a year at this prison.

The doctor and I talked about morals and such.   He said he is from an area where country morals changed though the changing of my thoughts.

He smiles, pats me on shoulder, and says, "Very good Clutch, you get it now."  I responded that it only took forty some years.

Very nice fellow whose been a doctor for 35 years.  This is an alien planet to him in here, but it must be something he needs to experience before his next life and moving on....... he agrees.

Yet....caution is near because there are no friends inside.  Trust is nonexistent for each one is out for a way out and lying certainly is not beyond any of them. They are called "snitches."  They will say you confessed to being the rapist or murderer or whatever necessary to get moved to a less dangerous facility.

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Prison is Not What You Think it is.... by Clutch Cargoe (relative of Julianna Rowe)


PRISON, is not what you think it is.....

Prison is definably not what you, the general public thinks it is, nor is it what I thought it would be.  It is confusing as "Hell" to say the least. I am currently doing twenty four years. Every waking moment is like walking on egg shells while trying to better myself.  Believe me when I tell you there is no rehabilitation in prison.  This is nothing more than a warehouse for troubled souls.

I spent most of my life growing up on a farm where we treated our animals better than I am being treated.....

The system, nor the inmates will allow a person to change.  I know.  As I have changed, I am no longer the person on drugs and alcohol who did not care about anything.

I made a conscious decision to be a better person, an honest, respectful, caring human being which in this setting is constantly being suppressed.  The system thinks a prisoner claiming to be changed (rehabilitated) is a con, a sham.  Therefore, I have been permanently labeled, and because of that permanent label "bad guy con" I am denied, denied, denied every and anything I request. That is the systems perspective.

The inmates consider change, kindness, and caring a weakness and will prey upon said weakness (meaning myself) and will come at (me) in any way they can.

Therefore, a person wanting to change in prison, is basically forced by both sides to be a "bad guy." (Illiterate prisoner inmate terminology for someone trying to be a decent person.)

If you refuse to do drugs, alcohol, or fighting inside these walls you are ostracized, picked on, beat up, shoved around.

I have lived inside these walls for eleven of the twenty years I was sentenced to. I can find no positive way to live in here.  I have made my decision not to use drugs or be violent in any way anymore. Yet inside these walls the system punishes for doing good.  This is a no-win situation.

I hide in my cell as much as possible, so I am not forced to deal with all the negative attitudes and drama.  Most of the men in here have not been nor are taught manners, respect, understanding, compassion, or empathy. They are angry people and want everyone around them to be miserable also.  Having to hide in a cell is not only a miserable existence, but it makes me turn into an anti-social person who doesn't like people because of what I am surrounded by.

Honestly, I would not want most of these inmates released to my neighborhood.  I listen to their conversations and see their attitudes.  All negative and violent.  Robbing people, raping women, drugs and booze talk.  These are supposed to be grown men, yet they jump around like children shooting each other with their fingers as gun props.  All this is, is a warehouse for grown up little kids.  Long legged men, (boys) who have not been taught how to deal with emotions so they react negatively with fighting, steeling and knocking others down anyway they can.

From listening to these angry men for so many years, I think I understand them some.  I went through "the change" and learned to humble myself.  They have not done that yet.  To them humbling is weakness.

A person has two choices in here.  One is to admit they are a piece of shit (that they have burned most of their bridges,) then find a way to rebuild their lives and regain honor and make their word worth something again. If your word is worthless, so are you.

Most of the men inside chose choice #2.  They lie by telling magnified stories about themselves.  They brag about drugs, women and robbing which gains them attention from other inmates who will listen. Unfortunately, these actions give them their old drug "rushes" as well as they feel important.  With each new story being glorified more they climb higher on the prison inmate hierarchy ladder of lies and hate.  Those are the leaders who lead the lessors and pick on the inmates trying to better themselves.  The liars win in here.

The old saying, "Misery loves company," rings true inside the walls!!  Prison is an "all boys soap opera!"  They do not understand the basic fact that their own actions have put them in this situation!  It is all too easy for them to blame the government, or a jailhouse snitch for their misfortune as they are totally unable to take responsibility for their own actions.

These men have barely heard the word KARMA nor do they understand it. To highlight this, not long ago, an inmate I know was let out of S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit, a prison inside a prison for those who break the rules) He said to me, "I wouldn't have gone to SHU and got in trouble if ++++++ hadn't told on me."  I responded with, "Are you serious?"  He looked at me blankly and said, "Well yeah."  I told him the other guy didn't tell on him, he told on himself.  He said a few blankity blank words to me and I nervously responded by telling him with controlled strength that HE WAS CONFUSED!  His response to that was, "Huh?"   This ignorance is what I live with twenty-four hours a day.  I read book after book to learn and try to keep a part of myself on the outside and sane among the insane.

Stay well, Clutch Cargoe

Saturday, June 29, 2024

"DUMPING" by Clutch Cargoe Passed onto you: by Julianna Rowe

 "DUMPING"................by Clutch Cargoe

I haven't posted anything for my son Clutch for a while. Time tends to get away from us all especially when someone you love is serving TIME.  I had emailed him the other day while in a less then happy mood.  In fact I was rather sad.

I decided to share some of his wisdom from now on.  I rec'd this after telling him I was sorry for sharing my sadness.  This was his response:

It's okay, I understand you were "dumping" sorrow. People need that sometimes.

I do it too. The trick is don't get mad when someone dumps on you. Understand they getting it off their chest and mind and be thankful you were there for them to dump also.

They chose you - what an honor ;-]

Be kind, love well, and move on. Dump when you need to.

The problem comes in.... when 2 people try to dump on each other at same time. That never works as each one feels disrespected and the neither is paying enough attention to the hurt coming from the other. So in any dumping situation one must choose to be the bigger person and allow the other to dump doing so with kindness and love, which avoids arguments.

Thus therein lies the problem due to the fact most people are so concerned with their own emotions

they become selfish and want to put the other down and this happens due to the lack of empathy - understanding – compromise and most of all the lack of understanding communication. As most of us do that incorrectly hence all the life problems.

At least that's how I see it. 


Have nice day....

Your friends will make ya laugh ;-][

Sunday, February 11, 2024

HENRY by Julianna Rowe


 LAST NIGHT, I MET HENRY:

My friend Jude and I were out about the local pubs one evening.  Jude had been on a one-man mission for some time to find me a partner to spend my remaining days with.  Not that I asked. Jude had entertained dating sites in my name, selfies……magazine ads, and computer sites, all to no avail.   Not that I am chopped liver, but Jude lacks the qualities needed to write and or present me properly.  Heck, Jude couldn't even take an appropriate photo of me.  Not that I offered him any assistance on his one-man plight because I didn’t care. It had become a joke between friends.  We all wondered what would Jude come up with next.

One evening we were out and sitting at a large round table with other friends.  Most people in our circle knew about Jude’s obsession with finding me a good man for whatever reason.  Our other friends were making jokes because Jude had pointed to some younger men for me to consider. The responses returned to him were more comical than his choices of youth for me.                                                                                                             

And then I noticed two elderly men walking toward the establishment.  I looked at Jude and pointed to one older man who had caught sight of me as well.  I sent a smile directly into his space.  Before the smile could ever arrive, Jude was on him!  Jude pointed to me as he whispered God only knows what.  At the same moment, my smile hit and I received a genuine one back.  As Jude returned to the table, the older fellow and his buddy sat at a smaller round table within smiling distance. 

“What did you say to him, Jude?”  

“Oh, I told him you were looking for a man!”

“You did not!”

“His name is Henry. The rest is up to you dear lady.”

I didn’t have to do anything because Henry excused himself from his friend, walked over to me, leaned his tall lanky body over, and whispered let's take a walk as he gently placed his arm under mine and helped me to my feet and we walked. All chattering at our round table had ceased including Jude’s whose incessant talk never stopped. They watched us walk away.

We walked and talked until we came upon a large old Victorian house.  Henry said come here, look.  What I saw was a line of electric bikes hanging on racks that looked like old cow stanchions.  Henry told me he invented them, the bikes.  I said but no one is using them.  He said, Right.    We walked on and toward iron gates which he opened and there before me was the most beautiful but uncared for courtyard.  Statues of a romantic nature //blessed the area but were in dire need of cleaning. We passed and went into the house.  A woman was sitting in a chair holding a basket.  She appeared to be Indian.  Then a young man walked into the room.  I mentally guessed he was fourteen.  I looked over toward Henry with questioning eyes.  He responded that he was the caretaker of these people.  Then a teenage girl walked in.  I waited for more to walk in but none did.  

We walked the rest of the house with no words spoken.  The home needed a woman’s touch as well as some serious cleaning in all areas.

He said I want you to take care of them with me.  Money is not an issue, you can do whatever you wish with the house.  I am signing it over to you but I want you to know there may be problems.   My children might try to take it away from you upon my passing.  I will do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.  And then he would do a little dance around me and smile with those beautiful white teeth.

He added I might have to take care of him as he was gaining in years.   I agreed without hesitation.  He looked just like Dick Van Dyke.  He danced just like him too.

So, with one little walk, and a smile from deep in the Universe, I knew I would never have to worry again about food, housing, cars, tires, healthcare, or dirty nursing (dying mills) homes.  

I was a born caretaker so this was perfect for me.  Betty, the Indian was our cook and the other children were a joy.  

I woke up HAPPY.  I am glad I met Henry and hope he will materialize into my space on Earth.  Because Henry made me Happy. 

 

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Somewhere Beyond the Sea by Julianna Rowe

Somewhere Beyond the Sea    by Julianna Rowe


Good Morning, Flesh and Spirit! Beware where your thoughts and decisions can take you. Dead or ALIVE!


Once Upon a Time, inside my head or outside, I know not “witch,” lived the beautiful land of Killarney, Ireland. The grasses around Killarney were the colors of every green and more in my hundred-and-eighty box of crayons from grade two. As I looked out over the hills and valleys, I saw what the quilt called Killarney Green indeed was. I wonder if I weren’t in space momentarily, peeking outside where I truly lived, looking at something unreal. Its beauty was not measured by what senses blessed my extreme intellectual level. Ah, maybe that is the culprit here? Or was I in space, having died of my previous matter of being? Either way, Killarney was my home now. Or so I thought.

The clothes that held my new body draped the ground. A long white apron covered part of the clothes, and they flowed weightless as the gentle winds of Killarney blew a mist of salty sea water across my milkin’ pure skin. I was pure, or was I? Since when did that occur? But it had, so I went with it because it felt PURE. Clean. 

And then I saw the others gathering items, busy like they each knew their intended jobs and did them. 

And still in the background were those scenic patchwork green acres of land with the sea in the distant background. 

I looked like one of those Amish women.

Then, I observed a group of people sporadically painting a few rocks. They would stop on occasion looking at me for approval. 

Somebody told me through spiritual communication that I had designed the rock painting and my permission was required, which I gave. My creations were a magnificent display of art blending into the landscape as though from the Gods through me. I was no longer in the long dress with the long white apron.

I heard a sound to my right and turned in wonderment at the sight. How could this be? A woman is lying in a stall in labor of child. But it is an animal stall, and she has trouble birthing her baby. There was no one to assist her. I continued to watch. One man came forth holding a tiny Bristol brush he instructed the other man how to use. 

He told him that if he gently brushed the area of the woman’s cervix, the infant child could be born without further pain and possible trauma.

The woman in labor had sent a message to her best friend to come and be with her, but the woman’s friend ignored her summons and went about her business of chores and happiness. 

She didn’t wish to be bothered by her friend’s pain.

The man, who appeared to be the overseer of birthing, explained to the woman this new procedure that should bring on the birthing with less difficulty. Telling her it would be somewhat uncomfortable, but the result would end the misery. She agreed, and he proceeded to bristle the cervical area. Within moments, a child was born in the animal stall in Killarney, Ireland. A land unknown to most.

One day, the woman was walking her baby and came upon her friend, who had ignored her pleas for assistance in the birthing. The friend fell into deep despair, crying and begging forgiveness for her lack of caring. The woman forgave her friend, but the others did not. The community ostracized her because her heart proved she had merely gotten caught and was not repentant.

The man who lived in a room in Killarney viewed all the same things I was but said nothing, only watched as I did. Who was this man? But then, who was I? We were riding on the edge of a shooting star in a flash, and the scene changed. I was living in a different time and place once again. Somebody built this of cement. Possibly, I was transported to Italy. Or New Mexico? I always liked being in control of myself, but this was something I knew I had to let go of and ride the ride with. It wasn’t like I was in any river with crashing, frightening rapids. It was a trickling creek with tributaries the spirit had chosen for me to take off the main flow. It was most likely some form of learning or lesson, and so far, it had not caused me duress. 

At the least, that was my summation of this movie inside my head that wasn’t.

Inside my new stucco home, I felt safe. The man from Killarney was still with me but not in view, yet I could always feel his presence.  

There was a knock on my door. Before I could open it, a man of another nationality pushed the door in. Then, another man crept in behind him. They began pushing me around, and I was frightened. I told them I was calling the police, but they laughed when one of them took my phone. The man who cared for me opened a porthole in the room right out of midair. I could see him lying down on something when he mentally summoned me into the porthole, but not all the way. Somebody told me spiritually that if I went all the way, I wouldn’t be able to return. I did as he requested but stepped too far into his domain. I sat beside him and noticed a large tear in his left eye. He asked me if he could love me, and I said yes. His lips were wet and had the consistency of jello from many previous tears, all held in one packet next to his left eye. I placed my hand on his face and wiped the tear that told his sad story. He told me how much he loved me and everything would be alright. I kissed his very wet lips for a long time. 

I was pulled back through the portal by the interference of the police, who had arrived needing to ask me more questions regarding the intruders. The man told me he would be watching and waiting for me. I asked him if he was dead. Or was I dead? He just stared at me with love, no words. For some reason, I was allowed back through the porthole.

The house belonged to my step-nana. She was well-to-do before she passed away. She also oversaw my walk through this self-made movie set of Heaven’s School. I knew not which. Maybe I was roaming in one of the twelve dimensions spirit told me of. Still, I was also to be careful not to step too far into other extensions of the Universe. In my estimation, that may have already happened. I wondered if I would get to choose “witch” one I preferred or if the Universe was in charge. I suspected the latter. And what if the man didn’t love me and was a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Either way, I had to continue the journey.

I was over-cleaning due to stress when three people talked me into traveling back to Ireland for a business deal. Something about my calling to write, so I agreed. While standing at the airport or what seemed like a train station, I felt the urge not to go. I never listened as I should have to the still, small voice. No, I preferred the loud, usually incorrect voices that seemed more REAL. The truth was quite the opposite. And so we arrived in Ireland, and I knew it was a mistake. We were not at the same beautiful Killarney but a stale building inside a cold apartment. It was a fear-filled moment.

I snuck a legal pad from the tenant, who convinced me to travel with them. I began writing to the man who said he loved me. The man had so many tears, but my pen would skip to where he couldn’t read my words. I grabbed another pen, and it did the same. I attempted to tell him my trouble, and he needed help. I folded the paper and addressed the envelope to “Somewhere beyond the sea.” The owner took it from me, saying she would ensure it was sent. 

My mind and heart vacillated between flesh and spirit, but I didn’t know it.

The man answered my letter with his spirit voice. He was upset I had left without warning, with no forethought of the dangers, whether it be dangers of the flesh or hazards of the spirit. Both existed. I kept apologizing, but he didn’t stop scolding me. He told me he would be back and to listen for him. He told me that he would give up and move if I didn’t stop searching for things outside my true path. I would not be able to find him. I heard him and took his words to heart. But I was still lost.

In the meantime, this dimension I wished I were not in added a new twist. The female owner brought a dog into the larger of the rooms. She sat him down and asked me if I would like a puppy. I said I didn’t believe it was a good time for me to have a puppy, and that dog was not a puppy. She laughed a strange laugh like I used to hear a “witch” cackle when I was little. I decided words were not my friend then and stilled my fleshly voice. 

Why weren’t people communicating in the spirit like the others all had? Oh God, where was I? Because it wasn’t Killarney, Ireland, by the beautiful patchwork hills and baby blue peaceful ocean with its mirrored surface reflecting the heavens and all its glories. No, I was in some downtown coal yard resembling Detroit's lousy section.

The woman continued. 

She told me she could get me a puppy from this male dog in less than two hours. I started to laugh when I realized her expression was for me to pretend, I believed. This was one of those times I imagined myself raising both arms and shouting.

“Praise the Wicked Witch of all wisdom and knowledge!”  

But of course, that was only in my imagination because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and needed to listen very carefully to find my way out. But it appeared it was not time yet.

The witch lady injected a syringe into the back of the dog's skull. The dog felt no pain and did not flinch. I did not cringe out of fear of retaliation. I did not want a needle inserted into the back of my head so I could have puppies or babies or anything. I remained calm as she inserted the long needle into the brain of the male dog. He ejaculated sperm in the opposite direction than usual for a male dog. 

She cackled at her feat. The male dog had impregnated himself, and within minutes, she showed me an X-ray of five puppies in a sac inside the male dog. 

She cackled again, saying they would be born shortly and I could have my pic of the litter. I didn’t want a puppy. I wanted to go back to the dimension I was loved in. Not the one with evil men and police, women of the old days having babies in the barn, or where witches lived and caused fundamental and true horrors.

And that is when I heard the voice of the man. He instructed me how to escape the witch's dimension and return to the train station. I had accidentally taken the train to Ausch- “witch.” Also known as Hell.

I did as directed and was home in a nanosecond or so. I stood in a void staring, going in a circle, searching for the man. I begged him to open the porthole again for me, but he didn’t. 

Had I waited too long, and he moved away? 

I cried, pleaded, and threw myself on my knees in earnest prayer that he would return for me. Nothing. Was this it? 

I was on my own. I sat on the grass and cried the same thick, heavy tears the man had. Why couldn’t I find him, and why couldn’t he see me? The loss and grief were unbearable.

I opened my eyes, turned to the right, and pushed the clock button that lit up to say it was 8:06 a.m. No man loved me, no Ireland, no witch, no puppies, no train stations, and no help coming. Somebody sent the metaphors of a dream to help me decipher my mind and journey.


 

Monday, July 31, 2023

The Homeless "Lady" by Julianna Rowe

 The Homeless “Lady”  by Julianna Rowe

Why am I drawn to that filthy homeless woman with her matted hair like a dog that has never been cared for?  I suspect there must be bugs in it.  Her hands are brown with dirt, and she is wearing layers of clothing unfit for any human.  My God, she has no shoes. She sits inside a large cardboard box and I can see only one blanket.  That mangey dog that hangs around her must be hers.  I checked with the doorman and he tells me they call her “Loose Lefty.”  The story goes she used to sell herself on occasion for food.  That’s the loose part anyway.  Lefty?  No one is sure where that came from. 

God, I live in this beautiful luxurious high-rise where I can see her from a distance. Why am I drawn to watching her? I have a view of the Hudson River and magnificent city lights in all directions.

I need to call my therapist.  I have become obsessed with her like that guy in the movie was with Siri.

Hell, I even bought a pair of high-power binoculars to watch her.  I am missing my lunch hours and am late for meetings due to my preoccupation with some dirty old homeless woman.  

Then one day I pulled out my binoculars to find she was gone.  All day I searched leaving my work unattended. I was panicking.

She had become an integral part of my life, but why?

I noticed the dog was very nervous with her gone. I decided to leave my post and binoculars and go to the homeless village where I started asking questions.  Where is she?  Did she die, which for some crazy reason freaked me out? Then I started checking hospitals but I had no name to offer but “Loose Lefty.” 

I then went to every ambulance center asking every shift if they picked up a homeless woman on 51st and 106th Street West.  I finally found out who picked her up and what hospital they took her to.

I had found her.  She was somewhat cleaned up but in bad shape and was treated with disrespect due to her appearance.  This angered me. So, I physically picked her up from the hospital bed and carried her to my car.  The hospital called the Police…. But the Police had more pressing matters to tend to than that old woman.  They said if I paid her bill, and I did, there was no cause for alarm at that point. The fact is I threw the cash on the desk all the while holding her before I had walked out.

I took her home.   I called an old girlfriend who came over and helped with her hair and bathed her.

 I bought her all-new clothes and toiletries.  At first, she was talking like a street person in a rather rough manner, but then something happened when she looked at herself in the mirror. Like she found who she used to be, her old self that had class and had cared once upon a time.  I even went and got the mangy dog and had him cleaned up.   She would not say who she was, in fact, she didn’t talk too much.  Although she was quite excited about the dog.

A couple days later I went back to work leaving her on her own in my apartment.  While I was gone, she became bored and started snooping thru my papers and photos.  She saw something that shocked her, causing her to run away. But she left the dog behind with me.

I came home to find her missing.  I took the dog out and when I returned, I noticed she had gone through the old scrapbooks my brother had left me. 

I had not seen my mother since I was seven years old.  It was then I found her pictures in the old scrapbook. I threw it down and ran directly to the homeless village but she was not there.  They would not have recognized her anyway with her new clothes and clean hair, not to mention she smelled differently.   

It would be another four months before I found her again. I had searched every homeless tent city, the underground homeless areas, under railroad bridges, hospitals, and even the morgue, but then she had no name. I could not go to the police because I had no name to offer to fill out a missing person report. And then. On my walk home, there she was, sitting on a park bench by herself in front of the high-rise Sentry Insurance building.  

I said, “Mother.  It’s okay Mother, it’s me, Christopher, come on, we are going home.”

And we both cried for a long time.  I then realized she had run away because she was embarrassed for me to see how she had allowed her life to end up, homeless and existing in a large Cardboard Box.

And they lived happily ever after.  

Of course, they did.